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Top 30 Dark Humor Quotes

Not everyone gets this type of humor, check it out, I’m sure you’ll have a good laugh.

30 Dark Humor Quotes

These dark humor quotes might seem offensive for some of you or they might even seem light for others. Open up your mind and find out what they make you feel. We are sure they are going to make you laugh out loud.

 

If you want to read more Dark Humor Quotes click on the following link: 30+ Dark Humor Quotes To Make You Laugh

1
"Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, 'Yes, who did you think it was?'"
Jimmy Carr
2
"Despite my ghoulish reputation, I really have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk."
Robert Bloch
3
"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."
Fred Allen
4
"If at first you don’t succeed… then skydiving isn’t for you."
Steven Wright
5
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia."
Charles Schulz
6
"An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault."
William Castle
7
"You can't have everything... where would you put it?"
Steven Wright
8
"He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed."
Harry Kalas
9
"Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter."
Unknown
10
"Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence."
Ashleigh Brilliant
11
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."
Jack Handey
12
"I thought about being born again, but my mother refused."
Unknown
13
"Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years."
Unknown
14
"There are secrets I will take to the grave — and others I'd feel safer having cremated."
Robert Brault
15
"My favourite road sign is ‘Falling Rocks’. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying ‘Random accidents ahead. Life’s a lottery. Be lucky’"
Jimmy Carr
16
"I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes."
Unknown
17
"Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you."
Colin Sautar
18
"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself."
Johnny Carson
19
"When someone close to you dies, move seats."
Jimmy Carr
20
"I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception."
Unknown
21
"When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper so it doesn't ruin your whole day."
Jay Wickre
22
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back."
Oscar Wilde
23
"Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown."
Woody Allen
24
"A signature always reveals a man's character — and sometimes even his name."
Evan Esar
25
"Say what you want about the deaf."
Jimmy Carr
26
"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
Will Rogers
27
"Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat"
Unknown
28
"Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself."
Rita Mae Brown
29
"Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off."
Unknown
30
"Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. "
H.L. Mencken
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