These dark humor quotes might seem offensive for some of you or they might even seem light for others. Open up your mind and find out what they make you feel. We are sure they are going to make you laugh out loud.
"Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, 'Yes, who did you think it was?'"
"Despite my ghoulish reputation, I really have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk."
"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."
"If at first you don’t succeed… then skydiving isn’t for you."
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia."
"An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault."
"You can't have everything... where would you put it?"
"He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed."
"Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter."
"Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence."
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."
"I thought about being born again, but my mother refused."
"Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years."
"There are secrets I will take to the grave — and others I'd feel safer having cremated."
"My favourite road sign is ‘Falling Rocks’. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying ‘Random accidents ahead. Life’s a lottery. Be lucky’"
"I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes."
"Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you."
"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself."
"When someone close to you dies, move seats."
"I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception."
"When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper so it doesn't ruin your whole day."
"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back."
"Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown."
"A signature always reveals a man's character — and sometimes even his name."
"Say what you want about the deaf."
"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
"Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat"
"Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself."
Rita Mae Brown
"Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off."
"Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. "